did you bring the wind with you girl?

...after school I got off the bus downtown to apply for food-stamps. As I was crossing the street the wind whipped up the leaves in an epic fashion, prompting a homeless man to ask "Did you bring the wind with you, Girl?" and I said yes.

I finished class, which was weighing on me as I hadn't been in a week with the melt-down that's been impending. I was relieved to have gone, against my most illogical impulses, and felt I had overcome. A trip to the Financial Aid office to square away that FAFSA audit compounding my money situation sent me teetering over the edge, as I sat at the cafe (with a water) intent on writing an essay.

It is the combination of responsibilities, the way that I put effort into handling them and the way they tend to still be just outside of my control. It is also the emotional abscess I've been tending, which has eaten through my resolve in other ways, threatening to darken a horizon that exists solely based on my ability to remain optimistic. Some part of my life needs feeding, begins to starve, I collapse upon myself, there are no fatty thoughts to feed upon. The muscles go first. The bones can't fend for themselves.

I'm at a cafe waiting for my appointment with the food stamp people. I lied about being a student, students can't get stamps. Rent is not happening. Not when I was told it would. I resent being alone. I resent not being able to live at home while in college. Life Support = Fail. Safety net= Nil. I exist coasting on kind words of others, which are like whale-sounds in the water closing in. I'm from the sea. I can swim, but I get weary all the damn time