unfortunately, this one goes out to me. :(

I'm not really sure what surprises me more, the fact that one person could actually pretend to love unapologetically or the fact that it's a common enough occurrence that not only is it captured in a song by a popular band, but it's well known enough to be covered and found on Youtube.

Today, under the circumstances I find myself in, I search myself for some awful mistake I made to have been deserving of such a cruelty.

when will i be delivered

As we stood there in the vast and gentle mist, flanked by homes made of brightly colored boxes, transfixed by the black rolling mounds of solid lava, the emerald moss, the seabirds calling and the ravens answering back, we knew at least we had made it there. That we had crossed the sea together to stand in our own silent thoughts, arrived separately, islands unto ourselves, that was something on its own.
I have never been a stranger to loneliness, and have often thought that I have lived my life in all its worst moments a slave to companionship outside of my own awful thoughts. To be standing in a low cloud, to be nothing more than the content of my being, I was struck by an urge to break free. To become an ugly scream, skin splitting, arcing from the pile of my mortality a bird into that mist.
But I am the contradiction of loneliness.
Sprung from my flesh not a bird in the mist, an excision of a certain hope contained in a bowl of porcelain. In its place an emptiness, as undefined as my shrouded companion, I am filled with the fog over Reykjavik, the concern over what will emerge from the gray, or if I shall go into it and be lost.

My Etsy picks

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either/or

well I married for love and money

and when money went away I was never in love

as it turns out

God, when you think that things are sunny

take all of those things and hold them to the light

see where the holes come out

I've got this dream of you

tucked away in my heart

I've got this dream

pressed little flower, child

will you wait for me

wait for me

I married for love and no money

well money came and went but I was always in love

there was never a doubt and

he thinks that it's funny

all of my dreams are so far away

all I see are the holes somehow

I've got this dream of you

tucked away in my heart

I've got this dream

Sweet, patient child of mine

will you wait for me

wait for me

we have ways around saying i love you.

"You are to me that magic that science has yet to explain for how the universe was created. Whatever that spark, that perfect timing when every condition was met, that glittery beginning when a change so immaculate on such a magnitude that existence itself is not only redefined but created."

feminisms

I am halved, but where the two overlap is me.

Somewhere in that thankful moment where by contrast I am made aware of what I have to lose, and I make the decision to close my eyes and rest against that shoulder, pray there quietly to whatever god resides therein.

I do wonder sometimes if that reeling gypsy dancing naked, breasts in mirror multiplied is me.

That dark eyed painted lady, pockets full of golden coins that will be stones tomorrow.

But I am gutted when the red shoes come off. When morning comes and I am still in the same clothes. When I wake up in filth and the knots begin to form, and I long for a comfort so small as to have been impossible to see without these new eyes.

Do I misbehave to make this settling a mercy? My wolves would argue that I am not misbehaving, that this is Woman in her glory and that our religion is our sex, our unrelenting middle finger to every oppression save one; the way we hurt ourselves.

I am not at home here. I wonder if there is a place where these halves of me fuse together and make sense of the whole. The excesses trimmed off, and the concentrated center accepted. I can't believe I live in a society that has driven me (and others like me) to this sort of life.