pattern recognition

So the wolf reunion hasn't been going so well. I'm still as enamored of him as I have always been, but my ability to believe in a future with him has been harmed by his stubborn refusal (yet again) to be who I need him to be. I think that's the point. I can adapt to you so long as that adaptation doesn't take away from what I need, and especially if by giving you what YOU need, my needs are met/more likely to be met... But that's not happening... and there's been some serious deal-breakers...

Racism: Racist jokes, clearly racist statements that he admits are racist and justifies by saying that's the world we live in and that there's trash in every race. (If there's trash in every race, why then must you be racist? Why not admit then that trash is trash regardless and that it is a human condition, not a racial thing?) His racism is overwhelming at times, it's constant undercurrent in our relationship and he knows that it makes me unhappy. I'm beginning to see that he would not be a good father to the imaginary children I have planned into my distant future.

Lack of Job/direction: He has gone from having jaunty employment (with at least the ability to go out every once in awhile, even if it was mostly dutch) to being so strapped that he has to babysit for his parents for money. And boy does he sneer at certain gigs that most photographers have to do in order to get by. To see someone turn down work in their field during a recession is mind boggling.

Picking on me: I think because I've been harping on him to get a job and grow up that he felt the need to begin sniping me. Lately he likes to point out whenever I am "generalizing" as he puts it. I find this irritating as his racist statements are far more harmful generalizations than my guesstimations about "most" people or "some" people. Really all I can be accused of is making conversation, and I find that I generalize in order to defend myself when he's attacking my credentials as a speaker. He accused me of show-boating my intellect for effect when trying to impress people and implied that I lack actual facts and am apparently transparent and cheesy. I felt sort of like that hope I have of him accepting me as a whole person and not being threatened by my brain or my passions/ambitions/goals...that's pretty much dashed.

So anyway.

I get tired of happily partnered friends telling me that he's a loser and that I could do better and should be doing better. I hear that after being together for a year that he should be getting a back up job to support his dream job, he should move in with me so we can support eachother through this difficult financial time, and we should either be bonding over goals and plans and creating something for ourselves, or moving on because life is too short to waste.

Because I feel so on the ropes about this, I decided to go ahead and see what was out there. I'm not dating anyone, nor will I while I am in this "relationship", but I have taken an intensive survey and been "matched on important levels" with over 50 guys and counting. On really bad days I go there and scroll through the new guys, archiving (trash canning) them as I go.
There are definitely way more Mr.Wrongs than any possible Mr.Rights. I have yet to see a guy that captures my imagination as much as the Wolf, or is as interesting... because aside from being attractive in a certain way he has entire areas of personality that are so vague or unserious that you can easily fill in the blanks. Mystery is the man's best lie. It's a lie you tell yourself.

Things I have noticed about potentially compatible mates:
A majority have goatees and buzz-cuts, if they have hair at all.
Many have the completely shaved head and glasses look.
Plenty of them love ATVs and fishing, as if to say: This is who I am! Don't even think of taking that away from me!!
(What kind of woman am I supposed to be for them? Blonde and black striped hair in sweats with a beer in a coozie sitting by the camper in a lawn chair?)
Hardly any of them can spell.
Some of them have barely deigned to fill out profiles and have no pictures at all.


Of the few who were both marginally attractive AND possessed of some personality:
They appear to be holding out for Ms.Perfect.

So... I guess there are other men out there, but it's as tough to find them online as it would be to sift through the BS in real life.
It used to make me more content with what I have, but now I'm getting to the point where I really truly believe there is no one in the world for me, and I don't feel as sorry for myself as one might think... I just feel disappointed .