pattern recognition

So the wolf reunion hasn't been going so well. I'm still as enamored of him as I have always been, but my ability to believe in a future with him has been harmed by his stubborn refusal (yet again) to be who I need him to be. I think that's the point. I can adapt to you so long as that adaptation doesn't take away from what I need, and especially if by giving you what YOU need, my needs are met/more likely to be met... But that's not happening... and there's been some serious deal-breakers...

Racism: Racist jokes, clearly racist statements that he admits are racist and justifies by saying that's the world we live in and that there's trash in every race. (If there's trash in every race, why then must you be racist? Why not admit then that trash is trash regardless and that it is a human condition, not a racial thing?) His racism is overwhelming at times, it's constant undercurrent in our relationship and he knows that it makes me unhappy. I'm beginning to see that he would not be a good father to the imaginary children I have planned into my distant future.

Lack of Job/direction: He has gone from having jaunty employment (with at least the ability to go out every once in awhile, even if it was mostly dutch) to being so strapped that he has to babysit for his parents for money. And boy does he sneer at certain gigs that most photographers have to do in order to get by. To see someone turn down work in their field during a recession is mind boggling.

Picking on me: I think because I've been harping on him to get a job and grow up that he felt the need to begin sniping me. Lately he likes to point out whenever I am "generalizing" as he puts it. I find this irritating as his racist statements are far more harmful generalizations than my guesstimations about "most" people or "some" people. Really all I can be accused of is making conversation, and I find that I generalize in order to defend myself when he's attacking my credentials as a speaker. He accused me of show-boating my intellect for effect when trying to impress people and implied that I lack actual facts and am apparently transparent and cheesy. I felt sort of like that hope I have of him accepting me as a whole person and not being threatened by my brain or my passions/ambitions/goals...that's pretty much dashed.

So anyway.

I get tired of happily partnered friends telling me that he's a loser and that I could do better and should be doing better. I hear that after being together for a year that he should be getting a back up job to support his dream job, he should move in with me so we can support eachother through this difficult financial time, and we should either be bonding over goals and plans and creating something for ourselves, or moving on because life is too short to waste.

Because I feel so on the ropes about this, I decided to go ahead and see what was out there. I'm not dating anyone, nor will I while I am in this "relationship", but I have taken an intensive survey and been "matched on important levels" with over 50 guys and counting. On really bad days I go there and scroll through the new guys, archiving (trash canning) them as I go.
There are definitely way more Mr.Wrongs than any possible Mr.Rights. I have yet to see a guy that captures my imagination as much as the Wolf, or is as interesting... because aside from being attractive in a certain way he has entire areas of personality that are so vague or unserious that you can easily fill in the blanks. Mystery is the man's best lie. It's a lie you tell yourself.

Things I have noticed about potentially compatible mates:
A majority have goatees and buzz-cuts, if they have hair at all.
Many have the completely shaved head and glasses look.
Plenty of them love ATVs and fishing, as if to say: This is who I am! Don't even think of taking that away from me!!
(What kind of woman am I supposed to be for them? Blonde and black striped hair in sweats with a beer in a coozie sitting by the camper in a lawn chair?)
Hardly any of them can spell.
Some of them have barely deigned to fill out profiles and have no pictures at all.


Of the few who were both marginally attractive AND possessed of some personality:
They appear to be holding out for Ms.Perfect.

So... I guess there are other men out there, but it's as tough to find them online as it would be to sift through the BS in real life.
It used to make me more content with what I have, but now I'm getting to the point where I really truly believe there is no one in the world for me, and I don't feel as sorry for myself as one might think... I just feel disappointed .

what big eyes and teeth we have.

Lets remember that I saw him four years younger, thick and smooth as a sweet teen jock, standing in a small breeze on Mississippi. I didn't know it then that he was on a protein binge and boot camp regimen, all I saw was a young wolf in the courtyard with the sun in his eyes which is maybe why he never saw me.
And I stood there like a dumb girl, just still so as not to spook him, and he hopped a curb and onto the ledge of a garden and turned towards something he wasn't able to see, and in that fluid movement I thought all sorts of things, the loudest of which was that he was for me more than anything I had ever seen.

Lets just remember that now as I am caught in the curling soft brown of his hair. And while he sleeps and his body runs its last muscle executions before surrendering, the pleasing angles of his face in the glow from just outside. How I try to sleep but can't if I can see him at all, instead I creep across him, arms and legs and hands and kisses and listening to his low wolf sounds, I break against him like the tide, seething with wonder into the corner shadows of his sweet mouth,I steal his breath and guess at what he's dreaming. And in the morning, he has somehow found me first, he bites my shoulders and gives me low wolf growls, tells me I'm tiny and swallows me up, and the wolf belongs to me.

unfortunately, this one goes out to me. :(

I'm not really sure what surprises me more, the fact that one person could actually pretend to love unapologetically or the fact that it's a common enough occurrence that not only is it captured in a song by a popular band, but it's well known enough to be covered and found on Youtube.

Today, under the circumstances I find myself in, I search myself for some awful mistake I made to have been deserving of such a cruelty.

when will i be delivered

As we stood there in the vast and gentle mist, flanked by homes made of brightly colored boxes, transfixed by the black rolling mounds of solid lava, the emerald moss, the seabirds calling and the ravens answering back, we knew at least we had made it there. That we had crossed the sea together to stand in our own silent thoughts, arrived separately, islands unto ourselves, that was something on its own.
I have never been a stranger to loneliness, and have often thought that I have lived my life in all its worst moments a slave to companionship outside of my own awful thoughts. To be standing in a low cloud, to be nothing more than the content of my being, I was struck by an urge to break free. To become an ugly scream, skin splitting, arcing from the pile of my mortality a bird into that mist.
But I am the contradiction of loneliness.
Sprung from my flesh not a bird in the mist, an excision of a certain hope contained in a bowl of porcelain. In its place an emptiness, as undefined as my shrouded companion, I am filled with the fog over Reykjavik, the concern over what will emerge from the gray, or if I shall go into it and be lost.

My Etsy picks

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade chandramarie.etsy.com

either/or

well I married for love and money

and when money went away I was never in love

as it turns out

God, when you think that things are sunny

take all of those things and hold them to the light

see where the holes come out

I've got this dream of you

tucked away in my heart

I've got this dream

pressed little flower, child

will you wait for me

wait for me

I married for love and no money

well money came and went but I was always in love

there was never a doubt and

he thinks that it's funny

all of my dreams are so far away

all I see are the holes somehow

I've got this dream of you

tucked away in my heart

I've got this dream

Sweet, patient child of mine

will you wait for me

wait for me